Over the course of the past year, and especially the past few months, I have learned so much and grown as a person and a follower of the Lord in immense ways. A year ago, I entered into a relationship knowing that it was not what God wanted for me at that time. I was far from Him and needed to grow as an individual and a believer before I could fully embrace what it meant to love another person. But, as I so often do, I failed to listen to God's nudging to wait.
For almost four months, God was the farthest thing from my thoughts. I went to church and attended chapel at school and did all the things that make the appearance of a "good" Christian. But my heart and my mind were not focused on the Lord. I was consumed by another person who deserved so much more than I had to offer in that time. And God knew that. So He began "Turn Back to ME 101" with me whether I was ready for it or not.
Within a period of 24 hours, everything I thought was concrete in my life at the time, shattered. I had my heart broken unexpectedly, but if it weren't for the impact of that, I don't think God could have possibly gotten my attention in any other way. It was probably the best thing to happen to me in the past year, though if you had asked me at the time, I would have responded very differently. My relationship had been all I cared about, and I know my friends became a second-thought because of it. When my significant other did what I couldn't, he made the best choice for both of us as he followed the Lord when I couldn't, or rather, wouldn't.
This was the beginning of a long summer of healing in my life. I spent the summer babysitting for a wonderful, godly family with three beautiful, joyful girls. This was the most restorative time that helped me begin to put the pieces back together in my life. I had a daily distraction, for one, but I was also doing what I loved. Pouring into children's lives is what I long to do for the rest of my time on this earth, but I found this past summer just how much these three amazing girls had to pour back into me. I am so thankful for this family and everything they did for me, whether they know the extent of that or not.
Coming back to Taylor at the end of the summer was necessary. I had healed from the heart break, and I had the longing to grow closer with God, but I didn't have any idea where to start. I needed to get away from a home filled with painful memories of the past few months and go back to a place where I was constantly surrounded by strong, encouraging believers. Within my first few weeks at school, I'd had more meaningful conversations with the women on my floor than I could count. Each one spoke truth into my life and added to the pieces of my heart that God was repairing.
I remember having conversations with one girl in particular who told me that her goal for the school year was to become a woman of valor. What a beautiful desire! I looked at her and saw the joy and love of Christ shining through her gentle spirit, warm smile and contagious laughter. As I continued to talk with her and my friendship with her deepened, I realized just how much God used her to build my confidence and remind me of His plan for me. I was reminded that I have worth and one failed relationship didn't mean I was unlovable or broken. I, too could become a woman of valor if I sought to grow with Him first and foremost.
Much of the rest of my semester was spent learning and growing with my fellow sisters in Christ as I allowed God to reach me through church, chapel, and leading a small group of incredibly wise women. In addition, I was beginning to prepare for my time in The Philippines and how God could teach me and use me there. Having a goal to focus on was more beneficial than I realized at the time. I spent daily time in prayer and devotion purely praying for my trip, but the Father was using this time to grow my heart in other ways as well.
Throughout the three weeks I spent overseas, I learned more than the past year put together. I had to rely on God every day in each moment to get through my trip. I was able to see His truths and promises revealed in the most basic ways: a toothless smile from a street kid on my way to school, a hearty laugh as I spun a child through the air for maybe 5-7 seconds, the tiny voices yelling "Hi!" as I stepped over sewage and garbage while walking through the community I worked in. The people had such overflowing joy even though they had so little. They shared their resources, opened up their classrooms and allowed us to play with their children for three weeks. God's love and mercy was so evident in my time abroad.
Reentering life in America was harder than I anticipated. Why should I be able to sleep in a king-size bed by myself for a week before returning to school where I'd receive a top-of-the-line education at a Christian institution, when days before I had seen the dirt floors and tin roofs that made up the shacks these people called home. Where many children and most of the adults were uneducated and unable to provide for their families. How could I live life here the way I always have when I had seen the poverty and desperate need of thousands around the world?
Over the past week, I've struggled immensely in conversations with others, my classes, and even in chapel. It's hard coming back and trying to put into words how God turned my whole world upside down, especially with people who haven't had the opportunity to experience something that I was so blessed to have done. It's not that they don't want to understand or that they don't care the way I do; it is simply a difference in experience, life and revelation from God that actually helps make the Body of Christ so unique and powerful. And I'm learning to recognize that.
Overall, I would say that I can only now see the good that God had in store for me when I thought my world was falling apart last May. He hurt when I wept, but He also was with me, wrapping His loving arms around me, whispering, "I have great things in store for you, My child. Trust Me. There may be pain now, but there is overwhelming joy ahead." I wasn't able to hear it then, so He repeated it over and over and over again until I allowed Him to soften my heart and His words flow into me. I've learned that God knows what He's doing. That sounds elementary, but now that I can look back and confidently say that the bigger picture makes more sense, I really understand it. God does have a plan that will come together for my good and your good and everyone's good. I may not see it in this moment. I may not see it for ten years, but it's there, and God has it all under control. What an incredible promise!
