One Step at a Time (Literally)

When every step you take causes pain, what do you do? You can't refuse to go through life because it hurts too much to walk out the door.  What do you do when over the years the pain intensifies until each step is so crippling it becomes a victory to make it to class each day?  That's the pain I lived with for the past four years.  It developed slowly until it was no longer bearable for me to live in such a manner. So I decided to do something about it.

Seven weeks ago I underwent surgery to reconstruct my foot and remove the bunion that was the source of the pain.  If the pain was bad before, the first day of recovery was awful.  I remember when I first realized the local anesthesia had worn off and the full force of the procedure hit me.  Some of my best friends came over to visit me, but all I could focus on was the pain. I even had to ask my mom to kick them out because all I wanted to do was cry.  

Since that night, I've had a few occasions of similar desperation.  As my body physically healed, the toll I took emotionally became increasingly overwhelming. Now, I'm a fairly independent person. I don't like having to rely on other people to do things for me that I should be able to do myself. I dislike asking for help because I view it as a sign of weakness. Spending five weeks on crutches means five weeks of not being able to carry anything on my own.  Five weeks of being forced to admit I can't do it all. Five weeks of asking for others' help.  

I went without meals because I felt like a burden to those around me. I didn't participate in group events because I simply slowed others down. Being away from home during this time was possibly one of the hardest parts. I knew my education was important, and I needed to be at school in order to graduate on time. However, a huge part of me wanted to go back home and leave only once I was self-sufficient again.  I wrestled with God a lot as I looked at where my life was and wondered why it had to be so hard.  If He answered, I wasn't listening well enough.

Two weeks ago I was finally cleared to put weight on my foot.  Because I had been non-weight bearing for so long, I'd lost a lot of muscle in my foot, ankle, and leg.  It's virtually impossible to describe the feeling of walking for the first time in over a month, but I mostly remember it felt freeing.  I was still in a walking boot and had very limited mobility, but I was walking.  The labored movements were hard and frustrating, but I just had to take one more step, then another, and another.  Soon, walking in the boot was no problem.  

Today marked another huge step in my recovery. I was able to take the boot off, put a shoe on, and take my first steps with my new foot unassisted by anything. I expected so much more out of those first steps than actually happened. It wasn't so much disappointing as it was a setback.  My leg still has little to no muscle tone which makes every step a struggle.  I find it amazing how much we all take our bodies for granted.  I have to focus on every single step I take as I train my body to do what it used to do so easily.

I've learned so much throughout this experience about myself and the body God gave me. I've let a lot of who I am be defined by what I can do, and when I could no longer do those things, I was lost.  I've lost track of my passions and some of the joy that I got from just doing things for fun and the glory of God. He's given me dreams and hopes and abilities that I lost somewhere along the way.  Not being able to use my body the way I wanted to helped me realize that there's a lot more that I can do that isn't defined by my walking abilities.  I just need to keep my head up, my heart focused, and take on life one step at a time.

What is Life?

Lately, I've found myself asking the question "what is life?" in various situations.  Mostly it comes out when something absurd happens, but I've started to think about it a little bit more.  I look at my life and watch myself go through the motions of daily living, going to classes, and spending time wastefully. All my hobbies and passions and interests seem to have been left behind when I came to college, and I don't know what I'm living for anymore.

Being at a Christian university doesn't make that confusion any easier.  I see everyone around me in one of two or three groups: people who live their lives with purpose knowing their calling and following God all out, those who don't want to be here for Christ but for some other reason, and those stuck right in the middle pretending they have it all together but really just looking for answers to questions they don't even know they're asking.  I place myself in that last group.  

I've felt a void in my life that I haven't been able to fill.  I spend time with friends who I've come to love dearly, but I'm still lonely.  I eat (probably too often), but the hunger is insatiable.  I go to church and chapel, but I leave with more questions than I started with.  I go to classes and do my homework, but the knowledge is never enough. This emptiness is something I can't explain because I don't fully understand it.

Yesterday I was asked a question that caught me completely off guard and actually made me think.  Much of what is being shared in this post is a result of that meditation. I have had to examine my life and my desires and my dreams more closely than I've been willing to just to answer one yes-or-no question.  I've started to realize that the priorities in my life are anything but on track, and if I continue on the path I'm going, I'll become so lost even a GPS can't help me find my way out.

Just to clarify, I'm not depressed, nor will I be doing anything extreme in the near future; I'm just quite confused and thoughtful and spewing out whatever is coming to mind in hopes that something will dawn on me.  I know that the void in my life is God because He knows best that I haven't given Him the time He deserves.  I know that I need to turn to Him and devote my attention to who He is and what His character means and represents.  I just don't know how to.

My pastor this morning shared a great message about loving God as the key priority in life because we were made in His image. God is Love and that means I must love: God, others, and myself.  I've spent too long loving myself and thinking only of my interests. If I spent half as much time loving God as I've been spending on myself, I think my life would look radically different. That's my goal, I think. Just spending that much more time with God each day until eventually my life reflects Him because I've let go of myself completely. 

I don't have any wise way to end this post, and if someone actually reads it, I'm sorry it's kind of depressing. I titled the blog "Life As I Know It" for the good and the bad and the in between that takes place.  This is my life; it may not be glamorous, but I wouldn't change it for the world.  Each trial and struggle I go through strengthens me for something in my future. If I can learn to cling to the hope of the Lord's promise, I can do anything.