Some of these topics have been easy to think about and apply to our own lives. Others have been incredibly difficult as we discover more about the fallen nature of mankind more practically in our own lives. Confession falls into this latter category for me.
Confession has always been something difficult for me to practice consistently because, if the Lord is aware of all the thoughts of my heart and mind already, what purpose does confession serve in my faith? As we've talked about this more, I've come to realize that confession isn't a discipline that needs to be implemented into my life because God doesn't know the bad things I've done already. It's one that needs to be implemented to offer me freedom as I continue living out my day to day life.
God is not surprised by the matters I bring before Him. He is aware of them in me long before I am aware of them in myself. Confession is not a way for me to clue God in on the areas in my life I've fallen short. Instead, this act of laying before God my shortcomings and sins is a way for me to surrender the facade of control in my life I work so hard to build. By putting voice to these matters, I make room in my heart for the Lord to bring restoration and healing. I am making the choice to step out of the way and let God take the reins once again.
In addition to this group of godly women, I've had the opportunity to glean wisdom from a class I'm taking on the inductive study process to approaching the Bible. Through this class, we've learned to draw out of Scripture the meaning the text was written to express. So frequently when approaching the Word of God, we (myself included) come to the text with our emotions, life circumstances, and other knowledge at the front of our mind. When this happens, we risk reading something in the text that is not there. As I've practiced this process of studying the Word over the past several months, I've grown in my understanding of the character of God immensely.
One of these lessons came as my class studied the Psalms and began to look at the various subgenres of Psalms found in Scripture. The more we looked at the text, we found that these authors were not afraid to lay anything at the feet of the Lord. From joyful Psalms of worship and thanksgiving, to corporate laments, to cries of anger, the Psalmists pour their hearts out to God in full. This too is an act of confession.
If I feel as though the Lord is far from me, not providing me answers to the questions I lay before Him or showing up in my life, He knows it. I cannot pretend to be close to Him because He knows the state of my heart and hears the thoughts I cannot put into words. Simply confessing to Him that I'm beginning to question His faithfulness or goodness or whatever it might be in the moment allows me freedom to move forward. I release the matter to God, and even though my words say I don't know that I believe Him, my act of confession shows Him an act of trust.
God knows when I feel lonely in a crowded room, so rather than pretending the feelings of inadequacy that follow do not exist, I can confess these thoughts to Him. If I don't offer up my burden to the Lord, how can I rightly expect Him to lighten my load? I must confess my heart to the Lord if I wish to see Him move in these parts of my life. Until I confess, I am deluded into thinking I have control and do not offer the Lord room to move.
Is He capable of moving despite my stubborn heart? Absolutely. But when I offer Him the control, the process becomes one in which He and I work together rather than one where I fight against His will. The more I implement this practice in my life, the more frequently I am aware of God's hand in the matters I lift up to Him.
I find that confession often feels dirty and shameful as I don't like to admit that I don't have this whole life-thing figured out. But I'm beginning to see that it is a practice that brings about beauty and life. I'm still not great at confession even though I'm aware of the place it should hold in my life. Frequently I feel like God has to hit me over the head to get my attention so I can hear Him say, "I'm your Father, and I have already conquered sin and death. Find life in Me." But I'm learning, and God continues to grow me daily, and that's pretty neat.
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